I KNEW I MATTERED!

30 JUN 2020

Pernah tak rasa nak simpan satu  rahsia, pastu end up rahsia tu terbongkar. Bila kita dapat tau, kita rasa sedih, marah, malu, geram, benci dan sebagainya. Hate controls us! Masa tu, kalau ada orang yang kita tak berkenan depan boleh kene tampar saje2 je. Tu perasaan aku sekarang ni. Then, ada satu video ni sangat memberi inspiration untuk aku. So di bawah ni, aku rumuskan ape yang dia katakan dalam video tu.

"So I held that shame and the thing about shame is that once you hold it once, it become to hold it again and again until it becomes your armour. And then over the years with passing experiences, pain, resentment, unforgiveness, and rage become it’s paymates. 

And all the while, this world thinks I have all this energy but I can’t identify with it because it’s not connected to my spirit. Because I feel dark and lethargic on the inside. I forgot I mattered.

i read a book called A Return To Love by Marrianne Williamson. She writes about love and hate. How babies are born into love and we learn hate and if we learn hate then we can unlearn it also. And to do that, then meant I had to reach in and rip out shame and pain and resentment and unforgiveness and rage out of me. And the best thing I knew to do and I still do it is expose it all to light. Because when you expose what lives in the dark to light and empathy and compassion and love are thrown at it, it will die!

We are meant to shine like children do. That you are important, that you are significant, that who you are matters. So we need to stop being incarcerated by pain and shame especially when we hold the ‘You Matter' key. So reach around, unlock the door and step firmly into your identity and hear me when I say this, ‘walk like you matter’. By Nkechiyere"

Lepas dengar je statement dari Nkechiyere, terus aku cari buku yang dimaksudkan. Ada satu rangkap dari buku tu yang aku suka sangat:

"Love is within us. It cannot be destroyed, but can only be hidden. The world we knew as children is still buried within our minds.

Fear is our shared lovelessness, our individual and collective hells. It’s a world that seems to press on us from within and without, giving constant false testimony to the meaninglessness of love. When fear is expressed, we recognize it as anger, abuse, disease, pain, greed, addiction, selfishness, obsession, corruption, violence, and war."

Perasaan benci tu sebenarnya wujud hasil dari proses pembesaran anak-anak. Kalau dari awal, kita tak ubat kelukaan kita, kita akan jadi seorang yang pembenci, negatif, dan kasar. Sebab tu, aku selalu pujuk hati aku untuk sentiasa buang perasaan tu tiap kali dia datang. Cari orang utk luahkan kekecewaan kita sbb kita sebenarnya tak kuat. Bila kita pendam, maksudnya kita lemah. Bukan semua orang mampu meluahkan isi hati dia. Meluahkan kekecewaan umpama membawa beban yang sangat berat tapi once kita dah luahkan, hati kita menjadi seringan-ringannya.

Aku pon sebenarnya pandai cakap je. Ada beberapa benda yang aku masih pendam. Aku masih teragak-agak utk luahkan. Aku jadi pura-pura ok walaupun sebenarnya aku tak ok.

Aku tau post ni mungkin tak berguna utk orang lain, tapi ni salah satu cara untuk aku luah (walaupun bukan semua). 

To be continue..

Hate,

Kwon Isabella